Something is Happening Here. . . .

Today, I want to discuss an article written by a Jewish man, Roger Dubin, who experienced a conversion to Catholicism when Pope Benedict first came out after being elected Pope. Some of Dubin's experience echoes what I have been going through with Pope Francis, and I suspect that something very big is going on. The article was published in The Catholic World Report.

Visit: Pope Benedict XVI's "First Convert"

Like me, Dubin did not feel a strong connection to the religion he was born into. As a Jew, he felt that his religion was simply a collection of rituals and practices tied to a cultural identity, but he did not feel the presence of G-d. As a Catholic, I part of a very secular, nonchurchgoing family. In fact, I was not baptized until I had a tonsillectomy at age 7, when the hospital's priest thought it a good idea. Then, I was baptized again, when I decided to go to Catechism, because the priest didn't feel that the baptism I had had in the hospital was sufficient. However, from the very start, there was a problem. Instead of allowing me to use my own name plus a Saint's name, the nun decided I had to use only a Saint's name and that my own given name could not be used. Hence, I was Billie Theresa Mudry in my mind but only Theresa Mudry in the church's records, with my confirmation name added in later (Brigid after the name of the church).

Other problems emerged. We learned everything by rote. Questions were dismissed with a stock answer: "You have to have faith." That answer did not satisfy me, because I did not understand all the mysticism. How could there be one G-d Who was was Three? How could anybody rise from being dead? What happened in Fatima? That last one was scary, because rumors were going around that the world was going to end in 1960, when the famous letter was going to be opened.

After watching the movie, The Lady of Fatima, with a friend of mine, I was frightened. This otherworldly Lady had appeared to these children, and they underwent such terrible ordeals as a result. Later on, my friend woke me up in the middle of the night, in the dark, claiming she had seen the Lady. Needless to say, I did not sleep a wink further. All the next day, I kept anxiously looking over my shoulder to see if that scary Lady was going to emerge somewhere.

Understand this: To a child, Catholicism can be very eerie. Events happen that are gruesome (crucifixion), unearthly (miracles), and just plain creepy (visions, risings, spirits). When explanations regarding these things are not forthcoming, the questions about them just fester and eventually get repressed into the darkest part of one's consciousness. I wanted no part of it.

I had even had a dream that Jesus on the cross had somehow beheaded me, although my head was still attached to my body. Oddly enough, that dream didn't scare me. I am not sure why. Maybe because there was no pain and I still had my head. I think now that maybe the dream meant that Jesus was severing some things that were "in my head."

Then came the progressive problems. The first one was birth control. At first, I was appalled that my parents used it, but I came to realize that having ten children—as opposed to four—was not such a great idea, especially in the overpopulated city I lived in. The next was masturbation. A friend of mine was struggling with this issue and went to a priest to discuss it. I was with her at the time, and the discussion made no sense to me. My mother, my authority on everything, had told me that it was a natural but private act and that there was nothing wrong with it. It didn't seem right to condemn something that was, after all a part of nature. Yet the priest said it was a sin.

Abortion came later. At first, I was against it. But then, when I got older, I found that some people I knew underwent abortions. These people were troubled and teary-eyed. The decision they faced was not easy at all. What else could I do but try to offer nonjudgmental compassion to these people? Discussions and movies revealed tragic results of making abortion illegal. So, I had to flip over to a reluctant prochoice stance—one that I still struggle with today, because, in my view, it is a life and destruction of a life is a trauma. Yet, there are so many reasons why. . . .so I didn't want to pass judgments on people about that. Thank G-d, I never had to make such a decision.

Premarital sex and homosexuality also came into the bargain. I knew gay people as people not as evil sinners. I knew people were having premarital sex. I engaged in it. It seemed logical to do so, because then one knew what to expect rather than facing some really unpleasant surprises on one's wedding day. In fact, living together, in my view, was the ONLY way to ensure that I didn't pick the wrong person. I did it and I like the results some 25+ and counting happy years of marriage.

As I said in a previous post, the decision to marry in the Unitarian Church was not done lightly. I just couldn't do it in the Catholic Church, but we had to face my husband's aunt—the nun. And, as I described in that post, that sweet nun was the first indication to me that there was more than just the granite facade of the Catholic Church. From her, I saw that mercy and understanding were also part of the Church.

Yet, as I have said so many times, my progressive views are rock solid. They go down to the very bottom of my soul. This is not because I ever wanted to be "let off the hook," as Dubin described, regarding his search through Eastern/New Age religions. Instead, I sought for a real connection to G-d that was not just a bunch of rules and rituals. In fact, I actually liked the Catholic rituals. It was the rules that got me disconnected from the Church.

What New Age religion actually gave me was a path toward comprehending the mysticism of Catholicism. It made the miracles and the otherworldly events very understandable and indeed quite beautiful rather than frightening. While the story of the Lady of Fatima still gives me a shiver, I now understand it as a very profound account of how the faith of children can move so many people. 

The Law of Karma did not give me ANY reprieve from sinning—quite the opposite. I saw the effects of karma all around me. I didn't want to have to die and face reincarnation to a worse life. I didn't want to do things only to have them rebound on me in this or another life. No Law ever bound me as strictly as the Law of Karma. I saw it in action in the form of what is popularly known as "instant karma"—how something I did would have a result that was truly connected to my original action.

Through New Age religion, I understood the connectedness of everything and how three could indeed be one. It was clear how G-d could be everywhere. G-d was within ourselves and all around us, and this was benevolent. At times when I felt despair, the Law of Karma prevented me from contemplating taking my life, because I feared ending up in a spiritual zone where there were terrible evil formless beings. These things brought me closer to G-d. Indeed, New Age religion is the deepest form of connection to the All and the Almighty. And, New Age religion keeps me in line much more than any Decency List from the Catholic Church ever could do.

I've talked about how I wanted to be a Jew, because the Jews where I lived were the most educated, enlightened, and accomplished people I ever saw. But, when I was faced with Orthodox Judaism's mountain of ritual and more rules that didn't make sense to me, I didn't want to deal with them. This would have been stricter and more confining than what already existed in my own religion. I felt like a Jew, culturally and politically, but not religiously. Like Dubin stated, it didn't really seem like a path to G-d. How happy I was when I thought I didn't have to convert, because my DNA seemed to indicate that, through my maternal line, I was a Jew. How crushed I was when I learned that further research showed that this was not the case.

So here I was, this ex-Catholic, having very strange and spiritual learning experiences. I was having numerous psychic experiences. I had my own G-d dream, which I have described in an earlier post. Dubin had had one too. In that dream, G-d commanded Dubin to slay Satan. My own dream was so much more benevolent: Help people, and educate them when they come to you. No demons to slay.

Some people talk about being "Godfearing folk." Trust me, Catholics aren't scared of G-d, but we are deathly afraid of the Devil. Even we ex-Catholics have that fear deeply embedded within us. In my case, that was definitely true. Why else—after seeing The Omen movie, and walking home, and seeing a license plate with the number 666 [cross myself here]—did I scream in utter terror? Why did I have such trouble sleeping, so much so, that I needed to get medicine from a doctor to be able to fall asleep? Yes, indeed by the time I had my G-d dream, I was quite glad that my mission was so much gentler and didn't involve staring down the Devil.

And, yet, again, like Dubin, something happened to me when a Pope walked out to greet a crowd in St. Peter's Square for the first time. For Dubin, it was Pope Benedict. Dubin had some kind of spiritual vision that struck him much like Saul on the road to Damascus. It felt instantaneous, although Dubin had been kind-of building up to this quietly, and his wife had been praying for his conversion.

It could never have happened to me with Pope Benedict. His eyes did not seem spiritual to me. They resembled those of a mean raccoon. His general expression looked mean. His Prada shoes did not impress me at all when I learned about them. What I liked even less was learning that he had covered up pedophile scandals while he was a Cardinal.

For me, it was Pope Francis, instead. 

Just a few days prior to Pope Francis' election, I had a dream that I call my Bird Dream. In this dream, my sister went shopping and brought home a South American bird. This bird was stunningly beautiful. It had a riot of colors, all in a lovely mottled pattern. Typically, I don't tend to reach out to birds, but, in the dream, I cradled this bird in my hands. I expected it to fly away as birds will often do. Instead the bird responded by nestling warmly in my hand. I was amazed. "He likes me. He likes me," I exclaimed, Sally Field–like. I loved that bird and he loved me back. Then came my psychic experience of saying on March 13, 2013: "Today is a good day to elect the new Pope. It's 3-13-13 and Catholics love 3s." What possessed me to say that? Not the Devil I can assure you. Quite shortly after the announcement of the white smoke came through my computer. And the Pope was from South America! And St. Francis, lover of animals, is often depicted with a bird as a symbol of this love.

In an earlier post, I described how I felt looking at his expression when Pope Francis looked out at the crowd with such deep reverence and respect. While I was not pulled into a "conversion" or even a return to the Church, something definitely moved me closer to G-d.

So, what is this all about? 

Evidently, I am not alone in having some very powerful and odd spiritual experiences regarding Popes. I would be willing to bet that other people are having similar things occurring in their own faiths. By this, I mean benevolent, spiritual awakenings that make people more G-dly. I don't mean the fervor of the extremists and fundamentalists at all. In my view, those extremists are part of the Devil's plan to drive good people further away from true religion and G-d. Either they cause people to be cruel (such as by encouraging bombings and other terrible actions), or extremists drive good people away by turning them off. I know some atheists who want to vomit at the mention of G-d. When I probe into that, I find that there are horrific experiences that cause these people to avoid churches, temples, and anything that even reminds them of religion.

In the words of one popular antiwar song:

Something is happening here
What it is ain't exactly clear. . . .

...

Stop, children. What's that sound?
Everybody, look what's going down.

Indeed, we need to look at this. It's almost like a gathering of souls—just like in my G-d dream. Perhaps, as in my dream, Satan can be slain by gentle forces. 

In my next post, I will speculate about what I call "The Stand Effect."

Stay tuned. . . .